How to Cope: Love Lost & Death

Updated: Nov 29, 2018

I met Simon after an intense break up with this French Guy I was dating, I decided to leave him after he said he wasn't proud of me. My twenties was a lot of self discoveries and exploration, I had serious daddy & mommy issues, a whole lot of skeletons and pure emotional pain I had carried with me since childhood. I was hungry for light, love and miracles. Story of my life is long and windy. But today I am going to focus on Coping after a loss of loved one.


We met at a bar in Kuala Lumpur, the name I forgot, (memory lapse happens after becoming a mom) we didn't connect the first time as he was going through his own break up drama it seemed. Screaming drunk ex girlfriend outside the bar. The French Guy and I were still sharing an apartment although we were officially no longer together. I got home and he had a few guests over for an after party, fun.

I had learnt in my past life/relationships to not be pathetic and mourn or cry over a guy for too long. I set a deadline of how long I should cry over him and the relationship and when the time comes, I will stop crying, but for that two weeks or three, I will watch all the romantic movies, cry my heart out, and do everything to purge the relationship out of my system. There was a lot of vodka involved. Out dancing all the time, music and dance get me into a trance state of mind, I don't care how silly I look or who is looking at me, I am in the zone.

One thing I had decided long ago is that I am not going to be a victim, I may be a victim of some sort of tragedies but I will not be pulled down into its claws of control. I truly believe in my heart, that the universe will always present me or guide me to something that is better and what is best for me, the key is to come out clean and pure on the other side, better and stronger than what I was previously.

I am not a victim, I am a warrior, I am light, I am created from a piece of star, I am part of the universe that is powerful, I am part of god that is within me, you and all around us, I am surrounded my guardian angels. I take deep breath in and churn and process all that sadness, anger, frustrations, visualize light and love and breath out. This is my mantra.


So, back to Simon, he was Superman, that's what all the kids called him. Wherever we went, it felt like we were walking on air, floating, we would run in the shopping malls and chased after each other. We watched romantic comedies and movies at the cinema and he would sob, this six foot three rugby player, superman in tears, both of us, crying. One time we went to the Ritz Carlton for champagne brunch, we brought our music in our pajamas with no shoes on, no one looked at us funny, it was quite bizarre, it was as if we had a bubble protecting us. We would giggle and laugh until our stomach hurt. Then after feeling bubbly ourselves, we asked the manager to use our CD for music, which he did, and we got every single person in the restaurant up, young and old, dancing, every one of them. An impromtu dance party, the hotel staff couldn't be happier, everyone ordered bottles of champagne and they made a killing that Sunday.


Simon was larger than life, he was this tall, dark and handsome, English man. Everybody loved him, he was one of those who could get away with anything. The first time we met, he brought his bottle of whiskey and plonked it on the table where me and two of my friends were standing. My friends were so giggly and couldn't stop batting their eye lashes. I couldn't be bothered, I was not going to waste my time to this overly confident gorgeous man, not another model I thought.

We met again the second time at another bar in Bangsar Kuala Lumpur, Telawi Street Bistro it was called. They had an amazing flavored vodka board that come with twelve amazingly flavored vodka. He came up right to me and asked for my number, I said no and walked away. A week later we met again at an Irish Pub in an area called Hartamas, this time one of the girl, Steph was her name, came up to me and asked for a dance, it's pretty common back in Asia to do this although she is a Kiwi, so I danced with her, she then took my hand and brought me to Simon. He took my hand and we danced and talked. I asked if he was a model and he laughed and said, what made you think I am? So, he wasn't a model, thank god.

I surrendered to his persistence and gave him my number.


Our story began soon after, it was a journey of love I feel so blessed to experience, I had made this painting a few years before we met, and after a month I knew the painting was meant for him. There is a black bird on the painting with a poem written, "I was born the day that I died, to look for love I left behind.." The rest I forgot. Since I was a child, every Sunday, I would feel this immense pain in my heart, a pain of emptiness and loss, Monday I would see drizzles of rain outside although it wasn't raining at all. For years, I wondered why was I feeling this way.

That Monday, after many months of working our asses off, Formula One Gala then the F&B services at the race course which I did not want to participate in but did to support him, months of him sleeping only three to four hours a night. The staff for the F&B gig about seventy of them, decided to stop working the night before the big day unless we agree to pay more, after they signed a contract with the agreed amount! We would have but we simply did not have any extra cash flow to offer, not until after the event when we know how much profit we make, the ironic part of this was, the guy who lead this demand was half German and half Malaysian and his name was Osama. Can you believe that? We worked twelve to fifteen hours daily, weekends too. Running an event company is a constant non stop stress. That Monday was a Monday of post mortem and accounts, ironic.


Fourth of April 2005, I woke up with the sound of him coughing, I ran to the kitchen to put the kettle on for some honey lemon tea, came back to the room, he was fast asleep. I got some chest rub and started massaging it on his chest, I said to him to rest and not work so hard, and that he should listen to me and get his medical check up done. And work will always be there and it will keep coming, but rest and spending quality time together is very important. I could see for months how much he needed rest but just would not or could not.

The night before, I had given him a card, on the front, it says, you are my guardian angel, I had stressed on how important it is to have a balance in life and how much I loved him. He hugged me so tight and said, "Thank you for everything you have done for me, I am really sorry if I ever hurt you in any way, I promise after tonight, everything will be about you and what you want in life, you are the love of my life and I need you so much. If I ever lose you, my whole world will crumble, but I know that you will be strong and maybe not miss me if I die." Untrue..I will always miss him. That Sunday night I slept in his arms all night, he hugged me so tight and kept taking deep breaths as if to remember my scent. Our love was huge, our love was a story, it was the type of love that when we walk into a room, everyone will stop and gaze at us, maybe it was just our energies combined, I am a Gemini and he was an Aquarius, Dragon and Bull. He loved me, truly loved me, a hundred and fifty percent, if that is possible, I could feel it clearly. He was naughty, I mean both women and men were throwing themselves to him, he was just the type of guy, he wasn't phased by it though, nor was he arrogant or proud or any of that, he was just so down to earth, natural and fun to be around with, also very thoughtful, kind and generous. Although he was funny about buying himself a new pair of shoes, his formal shoes, I believe he had since Uni, his sneakers had holes, he loved flip flops, jeans and T-shirts, he will never use the toll way which used to drive me crazy because the traffic in KL is horrendous. We would be stuck in traffic to get to meetings which was twenty minutes away via toll way and forty five via the usual road. And he would leave the gas tank almost empty before re-fueling, twice the car just stopped moving because we were out of gas and both we were on our way to meetings. All to save money. Then we would go out and splurge on expensive dinners every weekend. I never understood that about him, it was funny and not the same time.

After meeting his father, I understood why. His father was an accountant, suffice to say.


After going on about life while rubbing ointment on his chest, it wasn't too long, about two minutes, I realized there was something wrong, I called his name, shook him, nothing happened, I started slapping him to wake him up, no response, my whole being sank, but I gathered myself and started CPR, I ran and knocked on our flatmate's bedroom door, Mike opens the door with Fairuz in the his room looking confused, I instructed him to do the CPR while I was on the phone for an ambulance.

Ten minutes gone by and no sign of the ambulance, I said I am driving him to the hospital now, both of them asked me to wait for the ambulance, I said no fucking way, I am fucking driving him to the fucking hospital right now, I called the security for help (we live in a condominium compound and there are usually security officers at the gate/entryway)

As soon as they got there, I instructed them and Mike to lift Simon to the car, he was dead weight, but the three men managed to lift him down to my car. It was Monday, it was 7 a.m in the morning, the hospital wasn't too far away, about ten minutes with no traffic, but it was a Monday morning, a dreadful Monday morning with traffic that was so bad.


To Be Continued...


#ShortStories #Love #Cope

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