Updated: Sep 6, 2019
Few weeks ago, I saw an instagram post by a good friend of mine, a piece written by the Poet "Rumi":
One of my very first story I wrote when I started this website was my personal story of loss, I wrote it in two parts but, could not get myself to publish the third. I shared the story to a few of my closest friends to have a read, people whom I know would not judge me. Still, I think I shall save the very intimate story for another day.
Loss of someone we love and deeply care for = GRIEF. And there are a few things in life many of us are fearful of and one of them, is Death, or could it be Marriage for some Men? ;)
Well, come to think of it, Death is not the only source of GRIEF, really isn't it? It all depends on whom you talk to. For some, losing all their money, career, having to start over from scratch = GRIEF. I think we can all agree, the list for GRIEF is pretty long.
For me though, from a personal experience, of all the dramas, little life's tragedies, break ups that I experienced nothing equates to the sense of GRIEF I experienced than losing the people I love most through death. In the same consecutive years, I lost my beloved maternal grandfather, who always gave me the coolest, most sound advice and funniest, weirdest jokes. The year after that, first I lost a very dear friend, whom I spent many evenings drinking tea, vodka, wine, slurping on oysters, driving around aimlessly and chatting, smoking pot at times died, he drowned in a lake after not sleeping many nights, drinking and doing drugs, he was a very successful Marketing Director of Oracle, don't quote me on his title, I vaguely remember the details.
When I found out, I was mad, I was mad with our friends who knew he had issues and let him drown himself with his vices instead of guiding him to proper help. I was mad because I was too busy with work, working 12-15 hours every day and that I wasn't there to hold his hand and give him a hug. I was mad, I was sad, but, no one will see me sad, not in public, I was brought up to be tough, to be like the royals of England where showing any kind of emotion especially GRIEF is improper. But in the dark, by myself, I wept, I screamed of pain bursting from my heart. my friends did not know this. I am a listener, most of the time, I stay composed, most of the time.
Few months later, I lost my dearest Simon, what we had was magical, our goodbyes were cinematic, maybe after all the French films I watched had influenced my romance with Simon. He died of a cardiac failure, apparently he had an underlying condition since he was born that no one knew about. He was athletic, played rugby, ran and went to the gym. We were running an event company together, anyone in that line of work knows the level of stress it entails. Working in Asia possibly did not help either, back in Asia, working around the clock is pretty much standard, in events anyway, and especially when running your own company.
I was fucking mad! I cursed and cursed and cursed! I wanted to die with him. I wanted to be married to a dead man, when I was in Bali during my sabbatical, I saw a tarot reader, I asked her if I would see him again and she said, that he said, it's up to me what I'd like to do, that I would meet someone who will be my husband and father to my child, and I can decide when the time comes who I'd like to be with. Before he was born, he knew he was going to meet me and chose to die so I could have the life that I wish for.
I did many many things to over come my GRIEF, to reconnect with Simon's spirit anyway possible, if any of you watched the movie Ghost before, to me it was exactly like that. I drank vodka, I wasn't a drunk, drank at the weekends, I danced and danced, I did many things but I stayed away from drugs, I wanted to talk about him to everyone and all the time but, some would tell me to let the dead stay dead. I stopped talking about him because I did not want to burden anyone with my story. I did many traditional healing rituals of flower baths. I saw him in my dreams and even until today, at times, I see him there in my dreams, looking from afar.
The first few months was so hard, not being able to call him and hear his voice, not being able to tell him about my day and to touch him. So, I wrote poems and letters dedicated to him. I promised to live my life to the fullest so he could be free and move on to his next adventures. He was adored and always will be wherever he goes, that is a guarantee.
I am glad I took my time to heal and did not drown myself with work. GRIEF gave me a different perspective about life, it taught me how to appreciate my time in this world. So these were the steps I took for healing my GRIEF:
I took time off from work for about 6 months to focus on what I was going through - Grieving.
I traveled and surrounded myself with people who made me laugh and so I was not alone too much.
I did a lot of deep meditations and connected with the spirits of my lost ones.
I did a lot of healing rituals.
I wrote letters and poetry.
I played songs and sang out loud and cried my heart out.
I set a deadline of how long I was going to cry and be mopey for and gave myself that time. I gave myself one year.
I did not care what other people thought or talked about me, who cares? Not my problem.
I let myself be vulnerable, I cried every night before sleep and every morning when I woke up.
I prayed so hard.
Finally, acceptance and letting go.
I am a believer in something bigger than myself, I believe in the divine and all the mysteries in this world, things I've experienced in my life I cannot deny. For that reason, it makes it easier to heal, I believe life is a continuous cycle, our spirit/energy/atoms will carry on and as our spiritual consciousness evolve, our memories of who we were in the past will be clearer and we will always attract our soul mates in the next life, and I also believe we could have many soul mates, who are friends, family, a partner and child. Death is not the end, but a new beginning to the next adventures. Good or bad ones, who knows.
GRIEF is interesting, the emotions I felt, the extreme pain, physical pain that is, my heart felt like it was stabbed a million times but it wouldn't stop beating, the anger and confusion is beyond comprehension. Different people do different things when grieving, but, that's OK, only you know what you need to get over it and move on to the next chapter. The main thing to understand and know is that, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. And never ever do hard addictive drugs because then you can be stuck in a vortex of endless darkness that just sucks you in there and it will be hard to escape.
And once it's all over, in a way, pain comes back at times but it will not be as painful, in life we all have to learn to walk alone without a hand to hold, and to enjoy being alone without the need of someone to keep us company to enjoy the simple things in life, and when we come out on the other side of sadness and GRIEF or tragedy, clean and unscathed, our sense of intuition will be stronger and our perspective in life will be more honest and clearer and more connected to our spirit.
After the year I gave myself, I met my husband, the first evening we met, we kissed, I knew he was my husband, I told him soon after our kiss that he was going to be my husband. And that was a new beginning of a new chapter in my life.
So, my dear friends, take the time to cry and heal but set a deadline. Life must go on and let it be bright.
Peace and love always xoxo.